Photographer & Model: Little Ghost/Tia (self-portrait) I think now is an appropriate time to publicly address all the questions/hate texts I’ve been getting about this blog. First of all, I had a 365 Days of Fiction project. The purpose was to challenge myself as a writer, because I’m actually horrible at coming up with fiction. I’d love to be Joyce Carol Oates, just pounding out novel after novel about all these characters and lives that seem so real. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, and I think in pictures anyways. So the idea was.. take a photograph of mine, and create a story of 500 words or less based off of the photograph. The protagonist telling these stories is NOT ME. She’s an imaginary character. A lot of things she does I have never done. I never had a threesome with a married couple. I never had anyone snort a line of cocaine off my rib cage. I never had an Asian teenage sugar momma. That’s why it’s called FICTION. However, all fiction borrows from real life experiences at least a little bit. Even Stephen King’s “Carrie” was inspired by a sheltered girl he knew with a religious mother. Doesn’t mean she got covered in pig’s blood & blew up the school. So yes, some of the characters in my story were based off of people in my life that were creating a lot of drama, the perfect thing to inspire fiction — and a perfect way for me to have a creative outlet to keep me sane.  My roommates at the time were two people that I loved very much. They were my friends. Both intelligent, creative, talented people that I had some good times with. But they were also a couple. A couple that fought intensely and frequently. I don’t just mean heated arguments. I mean destroying the apartment, throwing and breaking shit, zooming off in the car drunk, breaking up & asking me where I wanted to live, threatening suicide on multiple occasions, and once having the police called over because an actual suicide attempt. I was dragged into the middle of these disputes many times as each of them would vent to me about the other one. Of course, not being an idiot, I remained completely neutral. I tried to be a good friend to each of them. I tried to listen, I tried to mediate, I tried to be a source of comfort. I’d do little things to try and cheer them up. Take them out to dinner, clean the house. Even when I wasn’t dragged into it, I was still stuck hearing it, and let me tell you.. it’s no picnic being awakened in the night by people screaming at each other all the time. Especially when it gives you flashbacks to your childhood, and how your mother and step-father fought, when you had an actual case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from that which had to be treated. I was often depressed & suffering from panic attacks while living with these roommates. At one point, I didn’t leave my room for 3 days, not even to eat, and the roommates noticed. What they didn’t know was that I was so tired of seeing their faces that I didn’t even want to go into the kitchen in my own home. It got to the point where they were both so miserable that they began taking it out on me. I’d lived there long enough that I was no longer like a “guest” or even a “friend” but more like a family member. They were nice to their friends who came over to party, but when they were in a shitty mood.. I was the one who got the misdirected anger, the attitude. I began to feel BULLIED. In the place I called home & paid rent. So.. I got the fuck out of there. For my own sanity. I did, however, tell one of the friends of the female roommate that I was worried about her. Since she tried to take her own life the night before Thanksgiving, swallowing pills and having to be held down until the cops got there. Just like in my story “Girls” on this blog. This was after one of their fights had caused me to cancel a party I’d been planning for 6 weeks, one that 5 of my friends had been coming up from Ohio to attend. So I told one of her friends that had come over that night of the cancelled party to cheer her up about everything that was going on. I knew she was pissed at me for leaving without saying why (I didn’t need a confrontation, I needed the fuck out). I figured someone needed to be there for her since I couldn’t. She wasn’t going to be confiding in me anymore, and I was one person she used to talk to about everything.  Well, the friend either didn’t believe me or didn’t give a shit, so I told her mother. I’m sorry, but I don’t know if she really wants to die or just fakes it to be a manipulative attention whore so her boyfriend will stop sleeping with other women.. but I’ve lost people to suicide. I DO NOT take suicide threats lightly, and I do not fuck around when it comes to that. I felt obligated to tell someone close to her since she was no longer speaking to me. What if something really did happen to her? How would I be able to live with myself if I’d kept quiet, not telling anyone?  So, I do not care that her mother finally read the month-old Facebook message & reached out to her. I do not care that this former roommate was pissed at me for doing that, and sent me belligerent text messages calling me a bitch & telling me to go to hell. I told her that what she did was a cry for help, and help is what she needs. She needs a support system, she needs to stop living in denial and acting like she’s in some happy little relationship. She needs to talk to people who love her & will listen.  My suggestion to people who don’t want to be treated like a suicide risk? Don’t go around saying on multiple occasions that you’re going to kill yourself, and don’t make a big scene during an argument where you pretend that you are going to kill yourself. It’s that simple.  Now as for her comments about this blog, and about how I live in a fantasy world & she’s not some character I can make up.. she’s right, no way could I make this shit up. And I’ve decided I don’t need to keep writing the fiction. I’m going to write a memoir about my experience, living with this couple. How it mirrored my mother’s relationships, and my previous relationships. What it taught me about co-dependency, and why people “stay.” Why they stay in negative relationships, why I stayed in this living situation as long as I did & still have nightmares that I never moved away. I can’t help my former roommate. She doesn’t want help. But my story can help other people, I’m sure. If nothing else, telling my story will help ME. This is my blog. It’s my form of self-expression, it keeps me sane. If anyone doesn’t like it.. fuck off, don’t read it. I will, however, change the names to protect anyone’s identity. And if their identity isn’t protected, it’s because they won’t shut the fuck up about this blog themselves. I can’t be bullied anymore. I changed my address & changed my tune. Day 3/365 January 31st, 2011
Photographer & Model: Little Ghost/Tia (self-portrait) This picture is titled “Peep Show” and it will hang in Dirty Show 12 this year. It’s from when I was doing my 365 project last year that involved a self-portrait per day. It was Easter Sunday, I was at my friend Angela’s house and had to do something quick before we went to her mother’s for dinner. I borrowed her lovely purple peep and went into her backyard with my camera & tripod. I ordered two versions of the print - a metallic one, and a matte one. I had a feeling the matte one might look good because the image almost has a watercolor painting quality to it.. and sure enough, the matte one looked best. The metallic one just made the pastel colors bleed together and look a little blown out. The matte one was gorgeous.  Yesterday, a friend took me to the frame shop on 9 Mile in Ferndale, where I had spoken to a girl on the phone who assured me that they do Dirty Show prints all the time. Ferndale is this arty/liberal/gay community next to Hazel Park, so not only is it around the corner from my house.. but also exactly the kind of place you go if you need a photograph of your boobs to be professionally matted and framed.  I was so fortunate that Matt came in with me, because I’m very indecisive, and I’ve never been to one of these places before. He was extremely helpful and has great taste. The girl I’d spoken to on the phone was the one working when we walked in, and she was awesome. Together we all decided on this light burnished gold frame, basic with a bit of texture that mimics the grass in the photo. And the color so nicely compliments the amber-gold vintage hues of the photo. The matte we chose is a very pale lilac to accent the peep. I’m SO excited!  I’ve had 4 pieces hang in Dirty Show as a model, and last year my first piece as a photographer. Last year I said, “Next year I want a self-portrait in the show.” And that’s exactly what happened. The funny thing is, I didn’t even submit to Dirty Show this year. Because I’ve been too broke. I knew if I got in, I wouldn’t have the money to matte and frame a print. Lisolette, the founder of S.W.E.A.T. (Society for Women in Erotic Art Today), submitted my work. I’m a member of S.W.E.A.T., and the photo will hang in the exhibit for it at Dirty Show with all the other talented women’s art. So that was even better! And another friend helped me out with the costs. Small miracles are always happening to me. In the past, I’ve often felt unworthy and undeserving, so I never allowed myself to fully enjoy my good fortune. Lately, my mantra has been, “I’m a good person, and good things happen to me.” I’m starting to believe it. I remember praying to God that I would find a way out of my living situation, and just like that, Amy was saying on Facebook that she needed a new roommate. I know that when I ask God or the universe or whatever you’d like to label it for things, somebody listens. My only limits for happiness and success are the ones I impose on myself. Day 2/365 January 30th, 2011
I have been going through my Little Ghost flickr & my Broken Up flickr this morning trying to figure out what my strongest pieces of photography are. I have a show I need to submit to that celebrates erotic art created by women. I have no idea what my best shots are. This shot is my most popular photograph I have ever taken.. with 46 favorites and 46 comments. It’s funny, I don’t even like it that much.. I think the window should be cropped out, and even then it just wouldn’t be one of my favorites. I never know what direction to go in when it comes to choosing and submitting.
Self-portrait, Detroit, July 2010
Kansas City, May 2010, (c) Drew Orrin-Brown
Self-portrait, New Orleans, June 2010
From the shoot I had tonight! Fun stuff. I modeled for Michael and then I modeled for myself, but I haven’t edited any of the self-portraits yet.. too tired. Wanted to post this before bed though :). New Orleans, June 2010, (c) Michael Siu
I am in love with this picture.. and so happy that I’m partly responsible for it :). Kansas City, May 2010, (c) Drew Orrin-Brown
I went to Kansas City, Missouri last week for my friend Mary’s birthday party, and Amy flew in from California. Amy is the awesome model to your left in this picture. I love her & Mary both and it was great for the three of us to get to collaborate :). Kansas City, May 2010, (c) Mary Wano
This photo was taken earlier this week by Drew Orrin-Brown. She is definitely someone who inspires me, and I was so excited to get to work with her!  I love how this came out. Nothing pleases me more than getting naked and filthy somewhere I shouldn’t and having an amazing photographer capture it all. Drew never once asked me to look at the camera or look sexy or coy, she let me be the weirdo I am :). Kansas City, May 2010
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